| Drowning River Flow |
[Aug. 24th, 2009|06:57 pm] |
holy comatose bromatose like candy coated frosting on the frosted mini wheats purchased and a flee goin south yepee head down to the ol shop make a dope drop 7 pounds one day buncha pay. leftover donuts stir fry like ok, go die. welcome to the overflowing methods of extreme circumstance thank you ladies and gentlemen let's dance what a day in the field please yield we have children and fellow citizens don't make them smack the shield sewer breath welcome to death wont you ring the bell o look welcome to hell o how nice i bet it sell unleast it aint making my farts smell run deep in the city street whats left a pack of meat whats to eat can't we leave on our feet how about crawl stop the dull day a minute let's wonder away into gardens fields of hay whats that called a bucket we say hi nice to meet ya my names jay and by the way you sell birds don't ya by the bay? ya i know we met already okay. Double cheeseburger fries how about a quarter pounder and let me look deep into your eyes sexy i say can't you tell the girls a southern bell white skin brown eyes a dove that fell from the sky hopefully not dead hey babe how about a bit of head it's ok not here in my bed thanks return to eating that pound of bread ted.
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| hm.. |
[Feb. 24th, 2009|11:21 pm] |
when i jack off i piss out sperm it's so weird so heres a good article relating to this might be and most likley is caused by the anti-psychotics.
The sexual side effects (such as decreased libido, menstrual irregularity, and infertility) are often caused by a condition known as hyperprolactinaemia. Prolactin is a natural hormone in the human body that plays a role in several reproductive and sexual function. It is normally inhibited by the neurotransmitter dopamine. Thus, the dopamine-antagonist properties of many antipsychotic medications may cause prolactin production to exceed normal levels, resulting in some of the physiological and behavioural side effects noted above.
now all i do is ask my doctor about this which i'm getting a new one.
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|08:08 pm] |
Hate Grows Stronger
My rage burns deep inside me
My will to hate is strong
I can't keep control my anger
It is tearing up my mind
I'm pissed off at the world
For reasons I don't know why
I put the blame on you
Your existence I despise
I can't relate with your world
And I don't want to try
To me you're all so fucked
I choose to stay away
I'm pissed off at the world
For reasons I don't know why
I put the blame on you
Your existence I despise
Hate grows stronger
Hate grows stronger
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| who |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|01:25 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | elliott smith-oh well, ok | ] |
the fuck am i kidding i'm depressed out of my mind. my schizo is fucking with me so hardcore like the return search results are fucking with me on slsk so fucking hardcore everything is so fucking hardcore cutting myself trips to the ER. everything just fucking fucking with me all the time i dont work i dont feel i dont see me. i dont find i dont see i cant feel what is me??? what the fuck why am i here. i'm fucked beyond the realm of being fucked just so unhappy so beyond fucked. THE ER IS NOT WHAT I WANT. plz plz plz mr socritese dont give me any more problems with my disorder let me live without these fees let me feel whats meant to be free. |
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| so technically |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|01:35 am] |
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i should be in a mental ward right now but it's not happening because i deny thoughts of suicide, which i have from time to time. which but i do have something very wrong it's like everyday i think the worlds going to end on top of that which might be true. i'm fucking livid and fucked upstairs right now. i think i'm definitly hypochondriac and everything i think afterwards betrays something else like the thoughts i hear afterwards will make me think theres something else wrong and it's beyond fucked. so this is fucking me sideways...it does have to do with depression which is what makes it what it is and so on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2008|06:16 pm] |
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fucking hypochondrisis. it has to be that why else would i be diagnosing myself constantly. why would i feel so DEFACED. i feel faceless and defaced unruled undefied ruthlessly confined to my mind i can't get along i can't seem to take a joke. i dont even know why...so utterly just unbelievably fucked in the head and fucked over and over and anything but literaly. i can't stop fucking myself like a fucking tonka toy and not even literally i havent even masturbated in about 2 or 3 days which is a long time for a guy single and at the lack of almost everything just feeling fucked and fucked up just on myself. fucking great just irate and ruthless to myself like i can't relate and i can't get along where am i where the fuck am i why the fuck am i here why was i made just to be like this. now about this hypochondria the diagnosises a fucking diagnosis of diagnosises and its fucking me to hell i think the real hell started to happen recently just like its so hard to feel good this has to be...and its like i can't think without thinking of a conclusion to diagnose myself its ridiculous. i need some serious meds for this shit. |
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| god dammit |
[Dec. 21st, 2008|01:04 pm] |
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i'm always thinking i know whats wrong and whatever it is its bad because i cant be calm now i can sit still but i can't be calm i'm almost afraid to say that it might be panic attacks. but this is not positive i'm freaking out about stuff and i keep thinking i know whats wrong but i cant seem to get things right. fuck. |
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| GD |
[Dec. 18th, 2008|05:26 pm] |
"Longview"
Sit around and watch the tube,but nothing's on
Change the channels for an hour or two
Twiddle my thumbs just for a bit
I'm sick of all the same old shit
In a house with unlocked doors
And I'm fucking lazy
Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored I'm going blind
And I smell like shit
Peel me off this velcro seat and get me moving
I sure as hell can't do it by myself
I'm feeling like a dog in heat
Barred indoors from the summer street
I locked the door to my own cell
And I lost the key
Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored I'm going blind
And I smell like shit
I got no motivation
Where is my motivation?
No time for the motivation
Smoking my inspiration
Sit around and watch the phone, but no one's calling
Call me pathetic, call me what you will
My mother says to get a job
But she don't like the one she's got
When masturbation's lost its fun
You're fucking breaking
Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored
I'm going blind
And loneliness has to suffice
Bite my lip and close my eyes
I was slipping away to paradise
Some say,"Quit or I'll go blind."
But it's just a myth
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2008|11:18 am] |
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so i have alot of trouble waking up doing things wanting to do things can't seem to motivate...um ya the blog below me is probably not true i have no proof, besides the fact that i forget things and act real young anyways sleeping is such bliss. i have to get medicaid today but am thinking not to do it. but no sex i'm thinking does this to me....brings me down and i think i have dementia because it is based off of depression and forgetting things also, but i am crazy. |
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| i dont understand |
[Dec. 17th, 2008|08:35 pm] |
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i feel like i'm always forgetting things, i feel like i act younger than i am but in a real bad way like i act 5ish. i'm bad with conversation in reality. i honestly think this is deterioration because i'm getting older not younger...dementia i honestly think i have a wrong diagnosis and if you think about it when they diagnosed me....it isnt any specific form of schizophrenia it's schizophrenia form a mix a different types any way of anything i think i'm deteriorating and i need my doctors appointments more than anything. i can't miss one of them because i think i'm really going downhill here. i feel worse as the days go by. |
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| how about... |
[Dec. 17th, 2008|06:13 pm] |
[17Dec08 16:48:58][veilofdeception] soniggy nigger nig <3
[17Dec08 16:52:34][veilofdeception] i just did something really stupid
[17Dec08 16:52:38][veilofdeception] today
[17Dec08 17:33:35][Sonic Decapitation] whats that
[17Dec08 17:34:28][veilofdeception] i went out with a friend a few hours ago
[17Dec08 17:34:32][veilofdeception] and we started to talk to someone
[17Dec08 17:34:36][veilofdeception] but then he turned around
[17Dec08 17:34:41][veilofdeception] and we were like.. ooops wrong one
[17Dec08 17:34:42][veilofdeception] haha
[17Dec08 17:34:46][veilofdeception] i hope i never see him again
[17Dec08 17:35:22][Sonic Decapitation] haha
[17Dec08 17:38:07][Sonic Decapitation] would you...
[17Dec08 17:38:20][Sonic Decapitation] get a myspace just for me and you
[17Dec08 17:39:45][veilofdeception] what do you mean by that? just for me and you?
[17Dec08 17:39:56][Sonic Decapitation] or something
[17Dec08 17:40:00][Sonic Decapitation] i dunno
[17Dec08 17:40:15][Sonic Decapitation] i dunno why i want anything to do with it
[17Dec08 17:40:41][veilofdeception] nah i don't even have pictures to post on myspace
[17Dec08 17:40:50][Sonic Decapitation] ya
[17Dec08 17:41:04][Sonic Decapitation] i do but i dont know what i want to do with it
[17Dec08 17:41:48][veilofdeception] ahha lol
[17Dec08 17:42:11][Sonic Decapitation] i dont think i want it
[17Dec08 17:42:16][Sonic Decapitation] i kinda do
[17Dec08 17:42:29][Sonic Decapitation] there was this girl
[17Dec08 17:42:32][Sonic Decapitation] on there
[17Dec08 17:42:40][Sonic Decapitation] lived in clevland
[17Dec08 17:42:51][Sonic Decapitation] about 3 hours away
[17Dec08 17:43:05][Sonic Decapitation] but do i believe in long distance
[17Dec08 17:43:23][Sonic Decapitation] or do i believe if anythign works
[17Dec08 17:43:38][veilofdeception] you can always try
[17Dec08 17:43:38][Sonic Decapitation] like do i have anything to look foward to
[17Dec08 17:44:15][Sonic Decapitation] traveling to be with somebody
[17Dec08 17:44:27][Sonic Decapitation] do you know how far i've traveled
[17Dec08 17:44:32][veilofdeception] no
[17Dec08 17:44:34][veilofdeception] how far?
[17Dec08 17:44:42][Sonic Decapitation] ohio to montana
[17Dec08 17:45:07][Sonic Decapitation] its a state far away
[17Dec08 17:45:20][Sonic Decapitation] on the west coast
[17Dec08 17:45:52][Sonic Decapitation] i'm in the midwest closer to the east
[17Dec08 17:46:18][Sonic Decapitation] it's reqally far away it just so happens i had real bad luck
[17Dec08 17:46:20][veilofdeception] ah ok ok
[17Dec08 17:46:31][veilofdeception] yeah things like that always suck..
[17Dec08 17:46:42][veilofdeception] i mean i wouldn't even like it if i met someone in a'dam
[17Dec08 17:46:48][veilofdeception] that's already too far away for me
[17Dec08 17:46:57][Sonic Decapitation] ya
[17Dec08 17:47:10][Sonic Decapitation] long distasnce i dont think ever works
[17Dec08 17:47:21][veilofdeception] me neither
[17Dec08 17:47:29][veilofdeception] wish i had a bf
[17Dec08 17:47:32][veilofdeception] that's just so nice
[17Dec08 17:47:41][Sonic Decapitation] not unless you're sure and make a full move
[17Dec08 17:48:13][Sonic Decapitation] see thats what i did
[17Dec08 17:48:18][veilofdeception] you can never be sure about things like that
[17Dec08 17:48:29][Sonic Decapitation] well i was stupid
[17Dec08 17:48:45][Sonic Decapitation] she had a boyfriend but turns out i was going insane
[17Dec08 17:49:07][Sonic Decapitation] but who knows with relationships ya know nothing really lasts
[17Dec08 17:49:17][Sonic Decapitation] i mean it depends
[17Dec08 17:51:12][Sonic Decapitation] but i've been through 2 sexual ones and 2 long distance and one that was pretty long but no sex just real different and i've had one where the girl was so hot that i just wanted to fuck her the first night and she isnt like that so it was a real sorta dissapointment kinda and well i was mad so i broke up with her the next day and i regret that very much
[17Dec08 17:53:12][veilofdeception] man you broke up because she didn't want to have sex with you? lol wtf
[17Dec08 17:55:23][Sonic Decapitation] ya well, i thought it mightve been maybe she didnt like me and just wanted to toy with me but i was really young and stupid and maybe it was like she didnt trust me yet and i realize this stuff and i've been real dumb in the past
[17Dec08 17:55:51][veilofdeception] yeah we all do stupid things sometimes
[17Dec08 17:55:53][veilofdeception] how old were you?
[17Dec08 17:55:57][Sonic Decapitation] 22
[17Dec08 17:56:52][Sonic Decapitation] o
[17Dec08 17:56:58][Sonic Decapitation] sorry i misread
[17Dec08 17:57:06][Sonic Decapitation] well with that 1
[17Dec08 17:57:11][Sonic Decapitation] i was 17
[17Dec08 17:57:51][Sonic Decapitation] i think i'm just real bad with women
[17Dec08 17:58:03][veilofdeception] hm i don't know
[17Dec08 17:58:25][Sonic Decapitation] like now i think i've gotten more attractive
[17Dec08 17:58:37][Sonic Decapitation] so girls want to fuck me first night
[17Dec08 17:58:40][veilofdeception] why do you think that?
[17Dec08 17:58:41][veilofdeception] hahaha
[17Dec08 17:58:47][veilofdeception] lolol okok
[17Dec08 17:58:52][Sonic Decapitation] like when i was younger
[17Dec08 17:59:29][Sonic Decapitation] i geuss i was still attractive but i think ya now i'm better looking but actually i'm not sure
[17Dec08 17:59:45][Sonic Decapitation] THE finest girl ever
[17Dec08 17:59:51][Sonic Decapitation] was at 17
[17Dec08 18:00:02][Sonic Decapitation] everything i wanted in a girl
[17Dec08 18:00:13][Sonic Decapitation] just EVERYTHING
[17Dec08 18:00:28][Sonic Decapitation] she wore thongs
[17Dec08 18:00:30][veilofdeception] and then you justl ost her
[17Dec08 18:00:33][Sonic Decapitation] nice ass
[17Dec08 18:00:33][veilofdeception] hahah
[17Dec08 18:00:50][veilofdeception] she wore thongs lol i don't like em
[17Dec08 18:01:02][Sonic Decapitation] that means you dont have a nice ass
[17Dec08 18:01:13][veilofdeception] thanks
[17Dec08 18:01:31][Sonic Decapitation] its the truth my ex didnt wear them ethier
[17Dec08 18:01:54][veilofdeception] that has nothing to do with nice ass or not..
[17Dec08 18:02:04][Sonic Decapitation] yes actually it does
[17Dec08 18:02:07][veilofdeception] hey but i'm gonna leave you right now
[17Dec08 18:02:08][veilofdeception] i'm tired
[17Dec08 18:02:10][veilofdeception] need some sleep
[17Dec08 18:02:16][Sonic Decapitation] haha
[17Dec08 18:02:18][Sonic Decapitation] well
[17Dec08 18:02:23][Sonic Decapitation] dont get offended
[17Dec08 18:02:37][Sonic Decapitation] but eh do whatever
[17Dec08 18:02:53][Sonic Decapitation] g'night
[17Dec08 18:03:39][veilofdeception] i often hear i have a nice ass
[17Dec08 18:03:44][veilofdeception] like a friend of my ex said it
[17Dec08 18:03:47][veilofdeception] and another guy
[17Dec08 18:04:07][veilofdeception] and sometimes guys look at my ass when i'm shopping in da big city
[17Dec08 18:04:13][veilofdeception] no lies
[17Dec08 18:04:20][Sonic Decapitation] well it depends on the taste
[17Dec08 18:04:27][veilofdeception] a friend with who i was shopping told me they were looking at my ass
[17Dec08 18:04:49][veilofdeception] i just don't like to wear thongs i don't know why
[17Dec08 18:04:50][Sonic Decapitation] doggy style is my favorite position
[17Dec08 18:05:03][veilofdeception] i don't like doggy
[17Dec08 18:05:05][veilofdeception] heh
[17Dec08 18:05:14][veilofdeception] not personal enough or something i dunno
[17Dec08 18:05:22][Sonic Decapitation] we wouldnt get along sexually then thats a minus
[17Dec08 18:05:35][Sonic Decapitation] but i dunno
[17Dec08 18:05:42][Sonic Decapitation] from the front
[17Dec08 18:05:47][Sonic Decapitation] is good too
[17Dec08 18:05:54][Sonic Decapitation] i like to be in control
[17Dec08 18:06:44][Sonic Decapitation] i just like a bubble butt
[17Dec08 18:07:06][veilofdeception] lol ok
[17Dec08 18:07:08][veilofdeception] but i really go now
[17Dec08 18:07:10][veilofdeception] byebye
[17Dec08 18:07:15][Sonic Decapitation] later |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2008|10:05 am] |
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i feel like shit another day feeling like shit. hard to explain yes? i felt angry sad and alone. now it's somewhat somber. i can't express my thoughts and assumptions. assuming the worst as usual nothing new. unbelievable thirst for love really. i can't explain what it is with me. am i something valid, to a field of fucking shit. generally understood by myself can it be by myself can it be without me can i alwqays be without a disease. leftover mush from another day i can't begin to describe and i can't feel i can't be and i can't deal i can't deal it's hard and what i can't be i can't see maybe if i could see maybe if it was true why am i asking questions to myself and what is it that i need to find what is wrong and why am i here can it be possible to be someone to be with held and understood why can it be death. life lives or life's of a life what is new with me how come stability due to emotions has been so hard what can be wrong what could be here is it here whats wrong and how and what am i here am i here can i be here anymore what is wrong with here hello and how are you why is it that i can't deal is it hard to deal what is here to be well with myself and cannot be understood you cannot be here what is wrong and how to deal what cannot be solved and why do you exist and why do i see someone crying inside my head. is it here is it there. what are these questions i ask myself. |
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| seqence to abstract bright beams of light |
[Dec. 13th, 2008|03:29 pm] |
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a conclusion to this bitter delusion. a relaxing day on the beach i spend my time counting to ten everyday, eternity came eternity passed the days went into the endless amount of focus another year another decade we found more than what meets the eye. a symbol of life meets death untouched by time we cannot say how much we bow and give thanks for the lighter of the day. bright sun a cold moon. whispers in the wind like beauty came again. i wanted a bright mellow sun to follow me with a touch of sin. i wanted what was deep within. i didnt want the nightime or the daytime i wanted forever and a day. another time to lay under the sun like if all is one we live again and again all is done. |
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| i'm insane |
[Dec. 13th, 2008|01:09 pm] |
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insane insane insane insane insane insane |
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| o my god |
[Dec. 12th, 2008|09:31 pm] |
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insanity gives me no problems with life...social anxiety does...fuck do you understand? it's massive depression to where you dont talk, nothing catatonic, it's depression depression sob much depression. relization. shocking realization. |
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| i like thinkin bout you |
[Dec. 9th, 2008|06:45 pm] |
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o ya o ya i doooo i like thinkin bout you o ya o ya i doooo i say i like thinkin bout you. |
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| more shit |
[Dec. 8th, 2008|07:03 pm] |
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something wrong here cant put my finger on it. so far side effects, memory loss, lack of emotional control, raising voice, i think i'm seeing all the wrong people inside my head confusion. socially kinda fucked right now. what is wrong i wonder... crying spells random crying spells. paceing constantly. memory loss forgeting how to spell words here. not thinking the right things remembering my past it seems, not the present. quit my job i dont think i wanted to do that. theres something wrong with my vision i do seem to see things/people but i have trouble seeing them or something i think reality has a problem with me or i'm not living there. |
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| FUCKING FUCK A DUCK |
[Dec. 8th, 2008|09:39 am] |
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FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK A DUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, FUCKF CUFKC FUCKC FUCK A DUICK DISLOCATED FAGISM GENERALATED SCROTUM CANCER, JESUS ON A STICK STCIK JESUS STICK JESUS JESUS STICK JESUS |
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| holy fucking shit |
[Dec. 8th, 2008|09:29 am] |
buncha shit fuck shit shit fuck shit fuck shit sufkc dhdisd xhndfuick fuckf uckf cukfc uf,ccufc ufmfcukcf ucklfufc uifkfuckfcuck fbwsgkahjkfashklagklshklaghjklaghjklasghjklghgklashggjklhgkljsdhgkljdhjkdhsdjkhdkhdfjkhdfjkhdfjkdhfjkdfhjkdfhjkdfhdfjkgjklhhjklhjkhjkhjkhkjkfghfghfgjklhfghkhkhhjkghjkghjkdghhhgjkkkhfghklghgjklkhkhlhklhklhjkhhhjkljkghkhgjkhgjkghkjhkhkhfgjkhkhfghdjkjkhgfhkghjkhfgkhkhfgkkghgfjkhfghhkhfgkkghghjkhkhhjkfgjkdghkghfghhjkdghkghkfghlhjklldgjklhjkhjkghkklhdgjkhjkhjklhjkjkhhkhhjkhjklhfbhfghgjkhjklhkghgkhkfghfghklhfgkhfgjkhfgjkhhhkhfgjklkhkhhhkhfgkljkhkghkhhjkjkhjkghkhghkjkhkhkhhjkjkhhjkkhhfgjklhksdghgkhsdghlklhfghhjkjkkllghklhlhjklkhkhjkhkhkllhkghgjkjkghkhhkkhhjklkhkhjkhkhhklhklhkhjkhjklhjkhkhhkh HOLY FUCKINF SHIT
FUCKING ALL DAY. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK,CF CUCTFGKDC UFGFV,C FUCLKCFUC FUFKC N FUCMCKFUC CFUCVKCUFCVN FUFKCCUF CVUCKFC FUCNC FUCICK,FUYCC FGUCF,CKFFUC FUFKLCCKFUYFN CFUFKCCHFU |
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